I am a young pastor's wife, and one of the most intimidating facets of ministry for me is helping families in the midst of a crisis. I will never forget the day when my husband brought his new bride to the hospice where a dear sister from our church was dying. When her twelve year old son greeted us on his way through the waiting room, I lost it. The reality that these children will soon lose the one who has nurtured and loved them all their lives completely overwhelmed my heart. I cried so much my stomach hurt. I didn't think that I was going to pull it together enough to see her and pray with her family. When the nurse came to escort us to her room, I managed to gather my composure for a moment, but as we all held hands and prayed, I broke down once again. What a helpful shining example of faith I was!
How can one be a blessing to a family whose heart is breaking? Unfortunately, the "not knowing what to say or do" conflict leaves hurting families without encouragement or support. Since that day at the hospice, my husband and I have entered many homes and hospitals to comfort and pray with the families of those who are sick or who have passed away. Through these times, I have watched and listened for ways to help during a time of crisis.
Death in the immediate family:
1. Take the family a large deli meat and cheese tray and 2 packages of dinner or potato rolls. This gives them a quick bite to eat as well as something to set out for other family members and friends who come to grieve with them.
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2. Fill a large cooler with ice, drinks and plenty of bottled water.
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3. Lots and lots of paper products. Plates, cups, napkins, toilet paper, trash bags, forks, spoons.... nobody wants to worry about dishes when grieving.
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4. Put on a pot of coffee
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5. Clean out their fridge. I did this once because I wanted to stay busy and out of the way. They will probably be receiving meals and could use the extra space.
Major Surgery:
1. The family will probably be in the waiting room for an extended amount of time. Take snacks for them to eat or just show up with a bag full of burgers.
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2. Most hospitals have coffee available in the waiting rooms, but you have to buy cold drinks. Take a small cooler with some drinks, water, and ice.
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3. Just be there to chat the time away. We attended several major bypass surgeries where the family sat in the waiting room for at least 5 hours. Though the mood is very serious, the presence of people helps the time to pass.
This is a quick list, and I hope that it helps even just a little bit. Please feel free to leave a comment if you have any more suggestions. We can all keep learning together!
2.26.2007
When a Crisis Comes
Posted by Leah (Parrish) Millan at 5:54 PM
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8 comments:
GREAT tips Leah Girl!!
From my experience with surgery and hospitalization...CALL (at the least)!!! I know that we think that we may be a "bother" to them, but call for a quicky to see how the person is doing and let them know your praying for them, and OFFER assistance! (If they don't want it or need it, they can at least decline your offer!) Also, if they are a "home alone" person (like me being single and not able to go out), offer to come over and play a game, chat, or take them to the store. I truly felt the taste of what it is like to be "shut-in" for my recovery time from surgery this past winter.
Hope that helps!!
What wonderful things to remember. Those are some of the most difficult times to find words at all, let alone ones that point others to Christ. I know we like to use Dr. Nell Collins information. She has published many little pamplets & tracts. Her ministry is called Hope In Crisis, so her focus is just this kind of thing. She is a missionary in Indiana, actually at Tricia McCammack's grandfathers church, I believe. Anyway, sometimes you may only have a quick stop-in or it is something you can send to the grieving family if you are not able to make it for a visit, or put it in a card on top of that deli tray! You gave some excellent tips, by the way!
great ideas, Leah! thanks.
I too am not always as strong as I'd like to be in the midst of crises. When we saw my grandma in ICU after one of her cancer surgeries I passed out, and when she was dying in hospice care, I had a hard time keeping it together. She was 62 when the Lord took her home. Thanks for all those suggestions. I think the only thing I would add is don't ask - just let them know what you will bring to help. Some people are afraid to admit they need it, but really appreciate it. The other thing when Stephen's grandma passed away was those that brought dishes in disposable cookware or dishes that were cheap and they didn't care about giving away. That makes it easier to not have to return all that. I think it's a lot of pressure too on the family to have to right thank-you notes, so sometimes if the opportunity permits, I tell them not to worry about that. That's the last thing they need!
Sorry this is so long!
Shannon- you are so right about not asking and just doing it! That's why it is a good idea to have our own "will do" list so that we aren't depending on the family to direct us to help them. The disposable cookware is also a HUGE help. Thanks for adding some great suggestions!
What practical suggestions for showing love in a thoughtful way -- thanks for sharing. The only thing I can think to add is in the situation of a death or situation where there wasn't a recovery. Continue to send a note, make a phone call, or let them know you're thinking of them a month later or even several months down the road. The crisis might fade from our minds in just a few months if we weren't directly affected, but it doesn't to those who it happened to.
Also, I have the day that Dan's grandpa died on my calendar because it is a very, very difficult time for his grandma even after seven years. The day would go by without me thinking of it and being sensitive to her without that reminder on the calendar, and she doesn't say much about her struggles unless we bring up the subject. You couldn't do this for everyone in your life you minister to but maybe you could for a few people you are close too. I know the holidays are hard too for those who have lost someone...and that's when I get so busy with my own stuff and might not be thinking about others struggling like I should.
Hi Leah-I do remember you. Thank you for your sweet comment. This was an excellent mini "article" that I think you need to contemplate submitting it to ....oh boy, the name of the magazine eludes me this moment (when I think of it, I will let you know..sorry)How much you have learned already in your ministry! Those are important things that are a huge help to the family. We just had a funeral yesterday and one thing we do on top of all the other things you mentioned is that after the funeral service (and burial) or memorial, the family will come back to the church for a big meal which the ladies in the church provide and serve. The family takes the leftovers which is always a blessing to them. For the loss of a loved one, we have found that the first year of holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries are incredible difficult and they are encouraged by cards and lots of love.
Thank you, Leah! I wish there were a book on this stuff.
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